as long as i remember, i was a girl attached to her planner- places to go, things to do- and i loved it. i multi-tasked with the best- and prided myself on being in many places at once. in college, i had meetings, work, dance & 2-3 trips to Coffee Shop a week for cosmos. when my parents were sick, i had countless things to do: classes during the week, exams, pharmacy/hospital runs, paying household bills, putting greedy family members in their places, and of course, my weekly polish change. until this august, i still had lots of things to do: finish school, study for the bar, buy a cardigan every time BarBri took my joy.
for the first time in my life, i have free time. granted, my mother has at least 2 minor crises a day- but they are hardly worthy of my master planner. today, i don't have a calendar of tasks and events. i'm scared...because free time means finally feeling 2.5 years of cancer, death & a broken heart from that boy in law school.
my quests to manage my emotions during this free time are largely unsuccessful. these days, i'm a roller coaster of emotions- anger, fear, and many others:
- Anger (bear with me, i'm angry about a lot)
- I'm angry because my dad died. I'm angry because he left me. I'm angry because sometimes I feel like he gave up on me...then I'm angry at myself for feeling that way.
- I'm angry because I had to tell my dad he had cancer & that I had to tell him it spread 6 weeks later.
- I'm angry that for the last 5 weeks of my dad's life, i had to tell him every day that it was ok to let go, it was ok for him to die...that i understood & we'd be fine. i'm angry that i had to do that alone...because my mother & my sister couldn't.
- I'm angry that my dad left me in charge of all of his/household affairs...and i'm angry that my mother simply accepted that "petitegren will take care of it," so she never learned how to handle business.
- some days, i'm just angry that i chipped a nail less than 24 hours after my polish change
- Fear
- i'm scared every time my mother goes to the doctor.
- i'm scared because i'm running a household, and i'm making it up as i go.
- i'm scared because i don't have my dad. we butted heads, argued & fought like champions...but he was always in my corner. even if he didn't agree with my decisions, he still wanted the best for me. no matter what, i always had security knowing he was in my corner. i'm scared because every now and then, i forget that he's gone. and for a moment, i think maybe this isn't real, maybe he'll pick up if i call his cell.
- i'm scared because he'll never tell me again that he loves me, or that i'll be ok no matter what.
- i'm scared to write these things...because i don't think i've actually admitted all of this at one time.
2010 will always be the year my dad died...but it's also the year that i graduated from law school, passed the bar, and told everyone in my way to kick rocks. It's also the year of friendship...without you guys, i wouldn't be here. my dad taught me to cherish my friendships, because your friends will be there when your family can't.
AMB, KMM (deny deny deny), RDS & LBP...i dedicate 2011 to you, my dad & happiness.
- a little frog
