almost a year.

last year sucked.  there's no pretty way to say it.  2010 absolutely sucked.   i cried every day driving to school.  i lost weight, then gained it back plus some.  my hair shed.  i had panic attacks.  i couldn't fall asleep without a sleep aid- and even with one i didn't sleep through the night.  for the first time ever, i didn't care that i got a C on a final. 

i was so angry- i'm still angry.  part of me will always be angry at my dad...that was the nature of our relationship.  we were too similar to be civilized more than 25% of the time we were together.  i thrived on proving that i could succeed without his help.  he thrived on my success.  and now, i have to do it without him.

as the first anniversary of my dad's death approaches, i'm filled with mixed emotions.  i can't believe it's been a year.  i can't believe my mom and i are still standing. mostly, i can't believe he isn't coming back. 

according to hospice, the 'year of firsts'- birthdays, holidays, anniversaries- is the hardest.  i didn't get out of bed father's day...i barely survived graduation.  i had a panic attack christmas eve & spent 20 minutes screaming "i don't understand why he can't come back...why can't he just come back?"

that's the thing about death- no matter how old we get, we never understand.  it never gets easier- but it doesn't sting as much.  we feel like the person we love will walk around the corner at any given moment.  sometimes i still forget he's gone...then i remember & lose him all over again. 

sometimes i'm so consumed with his death that i forget about his life.  my dad had an infectious laugh.  he loved my mother more than anything.  he was TIGHT with a dollar.  he was brilliant.  he wrote my last undergrad paper for me...i left my research in his office and came home to a 20 page term paper written on a legal pad.  he loved sports- and we probably screamed in unison at that oregon 2-point conversion.

i'll always miss my dad.  i'll feel his absence every day for the rest of my life.  this year i'll remember the good times.  he'd want it that way.